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Thursday, November 16, 2006

(for gracie, who's forever in a fishbowl... and the spectators who conveniently hyperanalyze her every move.. nonmove.. unmove.)

dear reader,

aZportugal_1 blog is a blog is a blog, right? WRONG. the question lies in the intent. on one hand there is transparency, on the other there is visibility. there is a fine line between the two, one i have crossed (unapologetically) numerous times. to establish what one wants to achieve is just the tip of the iceberg. what one actually achieves is a different story altogether.

we are not out to make a determination as to who has the purest of intentions, this is, in fact, the information superhighway, not the highway to heaven.

blogging is not for the faint-hearted. it is a battle of wills as much as it is a battle of wits. tirade from the other camp is to be expected. yes dear, there is an "OTHER CAMP".

the moment you blog, you have waged a silent war--however aware or clueless you might be. you have set yourself up for target. you would have to arm yourself for retaliation is inevitable.

and so the action ensues, as long as you continue to display the nimble (or otherwise) gesticulations of your mind (or lack thereof) via one blog entry after another... and even in your pauses daggers are being cast. assumptions are being made. ie:

1. you don't have anything more to write about since you're so shallow and you've already scraped the length of your surface (read: all that there is to you); 2. you are busy with the problems that are plaguing your relationship (which the other camp so relishes to destroy); 3. you have, hopefully, been hit by a truck and suffered a concusion to the brain and have since been unable to log on to your blog client; 4. you have suddenly realized your writing prowess is no more and the other camp's prolific imagination--as garishly displayed in a voluminous metanarrative on existentialism--has rendered you speechless, in this case BLOGless, for an extended period of time. et cetera... et cetera...

the possibilities are endless. all palatable to the mind that conjures them. the wicked glee springs from there. aaah, your cue to jump in on the bandwagon... pffft!

please people, just because anybody can, doesn't mean everybody should. it does not follow that though thou may blog, thou shall blog.

but if you wish, and if you so insist, then by all means...

just keep in mind that THIS CAMP is well equipped and all too able.

posted by Vanessa @ 5:41 PM 2 comments

"Lapses In Judgments" LOVINGLY (how else???) dedicated to Jinggoy Estrada

the air was so stiff it was palpable. the president of the republic had just broken her silence with a lengthy, well-crafted (what i'd like to call "affirming AND denying") speech. the leading networks evidently scrambling to get the major players in the volatile political scene to comment on what had just transpired.

my eyes were steadily glued to the screen, anticipating the barrage of tainted-rhetoric from both the administration and the opposition proponents. even i, the most socially-dissociative person U.P. has ever produced, could not remain apolitical about this one.

nothing though, could've prepared me for jinggoy estrada's passionate discourse:

"nagsisinungaling na naman yang si gloria, pinapaikot na naman nya tayong lahat"

uh-oh... he's going for the kill, i told myself.

then, in full glory of the primetme spotlight, he goes, "anong lapse in judgment? LAPSES IN JUDGMENTS!! hindi lang naman sya isang beses lang tumawag kay garcillano eh, 15 times..!"

sabi nga ni chowie upon hearing this, "ANAK NGA SYA NG TATAY NYA"

hehehehehe :P

posted by Vanessa @ 5:36 PM 0 comments

the return of the waif

just as i did not make a conscious effort to grow fat (refer to the summer of 2004 when i was at my heaviest), i did not make any to be this thin.

I LOOK ANOREXIC. what little amount of fat i have left is evenly distributed to my chest and my buh-hind. hey, i'm no hypocrite--i'm not complaining about the designation of adipose deposits, hehe. but this lackluster pallor, among others, is doing major damage to my esteem. and that's the least of my problems. what i'm really bummed about is this unprecedented feeling of sheer and utter frailty.

kawalangganahan. i have never before experienced lethargy this extreme.

i

am

so

thin

my friends do not fail to remind me of this sordid little fact. they throw one accusation after another, something to the effect of me needing professional help. ARE YOU F-ing KIDDING ME?! yes, i do not eat as much as i used to but, in all fairness, i was never predisposed to be fat. my genes just aren't programmed for (nor at all acquainted with) obesity. even if i were to binge on doritos (and every other junkfood known to man) between meals for an entire year, the most i would weigh is 120. i'd be chubby at best.

it'd take a staggering amount of energy--which i don't have at the moment--to summon that much appetite.

another thing, wardrobe woes! aaaaargh!! the once body-clinging are suddenly loose... the already loose are suddenly more loose. let's just say i'm starting to eerily resemble the ghost of christmas past, and that's putting it mildy.

almost every person who knows me has noticed the drastic loss of weight. from my dad... to my boyfriend... to "manong goto". i highly doubt if our dogs even recognize me.

p

r

e

s

s

u

r

e

is the last thing i want, or need for that matter.

so please people, quit telling me how thin i look. trust me, I KNOW.

posted by Vanessa @ 5:34 PM 0 comments

while the president is hanging precariously by a thin political thread...

i am lounging on my make-pretend lazyboy with a big grin plastered across my freshly scrubbed face, basking in the afterglow of a(nother) morning-after...

i don't think anyone can toggle this smile--not in the next 24 hours, at least.

other than sleep (and yeah, maybe pizza), there's nothing else i want right now. but since pizza is a phone call, 30 minutes, and 500 bucks away... i guess i'd settle for sleep.

posted by Vanessa @ 5:29 PM 0 comments

thawing


(prologue to "butterfly knot")

not to break but to transform. into something just as--if not more--beautiful.

it does not have to be painful...

yield.

you are part of the continuum... you are the continuum.

it sounds good in theory but one has to experience it to know...

just how fluid fluid can be.

posted by Vanessa @ 5:23 PM 0 comments

butterfly knot

it's hard to believe that mobilty could come with commitment.

BUT

i am on a leash and i have never been more liberated... is it not when we are most alive that we are most free?? now i find nothing hard to believe.

posted by Vanessa @ 5:17 PM 0 comments

of densities and paranoia

when tree barks turn to wide-eyed monsters
much worse, how it suddenly makes perfect sense
to look with tinted glasses
for meaning behind "how-do-you-do"s and "hello"s
only to find out that those "how-do-you-do"s mean "hello"
and those "hello"s... "how-do-you-do"
just that and nothing more
and still you swear you are sure
you caught a well-crafted lie
until the next day when
guilt catches up on you
and you say sorry where sorry's due
so you dismiss "hello"s that pass for "how-do-you-do"s
and you shrug off "how-do-you-do"s that pass for "hello"s
with no less than a scoff
for you swear you are sure
there is nothing (at all) wrong
with "hi"s, "hello"s, and smiles
so now you mistake wide-eyed monsters for tree barks
what's worse is
you let them
eat you up alive.

posted by Vanessa @ 4:51 PM 0 comments

Friday, November 11, 2005

fate


the full moon. the succession of drinks. the reminder of how tactile a being i am. the opaque glances. the slurred whisper. the whispered slur. the dissent from reason. the blatant disregard of the rules of engagement. the tasteless shedding of inhibitions; the artful shedding of clothes. the un-numbing. the inevitable meeting of tongues. the skirmish of limbs. THE GASP. the deliverance.

the night that started it all...

... the affair that would never end.

posted by Vanessa @ 3:42 AM 0 comments

Sunday, May 29, 2005

ode to convergys, yosi, and BS! (for chowie)

EVERYDAY, stuck in the most uncomfortable seat next to the electric chair... staring at a full screen of cascade-able windows with a blank mind. and the irony befalls you when you wish sleep would. the constant ringing of the phone never fails to snap you out of your reverie--that is, if you have the time (or the strength) to slip into one. and you attend to other people's problems when you can't even solve your own. you answer in the most syrupy voice you could muster, wondering if the sudden wave of goosebumps is caused by the stiff airconditioning, or the thought of you--THE alvin bello salenga--being so goddamn fake.

your eyes swivel towards the time, which never seems to move fast enough, as you instruct your caller to "click on that" (legend: that=variable) for the nth time. he/she still doesn't get it. finally, he/she tells you he/she will just call back. before you can heave a sigh of relief, another call comes in from someone who (surprise surprise) didn't-can't-won't get it either. you grit your teeth and tell yourself to just go through the motions--and you do... call after call after call.

at last, the much awaited 30-minute break arrives, you light 3 sticks of cigarrette in succession, thereby puncturing holes into your lungs to possibly mend the lesions in your brain.

"escape" in a soft-pack. ain't that nice. tsk tsk...

tapos pag-uwi, habang kausap ang girlfriend mo sa telepono, imbis na sabihin nya sayo na 'wag ka ng mag-yosi, ang sabi pa ay...

... "'wag mong itapon ang kaha; sasali ako sa raffle."

posted by Vanessa @ 5:30 AM 0 comments